I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
