He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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