Girls should come with a carfax report
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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