I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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