So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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