Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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