DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
