You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
