Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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