my phone needs a breathalizer
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
