Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
