do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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