you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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