why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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