Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
