so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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