I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
