He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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