I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize