No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
