She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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