The maid of honor just puked.
Don't make out with my wife yet
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
