Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
