I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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