too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
