You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
