He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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