im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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