i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
