i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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