She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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