a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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