If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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