one two three fourrrrnication!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
