So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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