gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
