she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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