What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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