I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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