Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
