oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
