dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
