Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
