Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
