where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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