I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
