Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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