Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
