woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
