TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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