Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize