doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So squirting runs in the family.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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