So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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