...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
