Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
