question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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