if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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