apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
pray to the hookup gods
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
