I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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