It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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