i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
did you just send me my own nude
Randomize