its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
