Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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