I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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