I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize