So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
