Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
