I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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