I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
